A Dutchified Choke

Ven in kintergarten I first learnt de alfibet, I didn't get it quite right. At first. I set:

ABCDEFGIKLMNOPQSTUWYZ

Da teacher looked at me funny en set, "Vhy Chunny, vere's da H?"
I set, "Vhy teacher, you noah my H. It's fife."
"Den vere's da chay?"
"Aut dare, on da tree."
"Ent vere's da R?"
"Up dare. On da vall. It's schree o'clock."
"Ent vere's da V? "
"Vhy teacher, V all here!"
"Ent vere's da X?"
"I hat dem fer breakfist. Dare all."

A Day in the Life of Johnny Huckenduppler

My name is Johnny Huckenduppler and I thought I'd try to write without an accent a day in the life of a Dutchman. I get it out a little funny sometimes, but I hope you understand. It wonders me so how life goes. Today I was out in the field throwing the horse over the fence some hay after I had loaded the wagon off and shut the gate wide open. Amos Oberholtzer called me to the fence over to talk down a ways. We live neighbors to the Oberholtzers and our fields meet yet. They live on the hill a little up, out where the road gives a fork and then gets all. Amos told me how he and Sarah went to Lancaster the other day and walked the town all over just to schnoz around. Amos bought some new shoes there, but he said they walked heavy so he took them back. Now it makes a body weary to hear of such dull going ons, so I told Amos I didn't have my chores caught after and I haven't the time to dopple. Amos said he could see I was already busy yet, so he told to come down and visit them a little once some day soon. I said, "Sure, when we come the road up, we'll come over." He said, "Great, come ahead back once."

The horse was thirsty yet so I pumped myself from the well a bucket of water. My son Jacob came to sit the horse on. After he a little rode, he said, "I want down here off." Then he ran back to the house to take dinner, but on die way he ouched. I ran over to see the matter. Here he had stung his foot with a bee. I picked him up and quick ran to the front house door. I couldn't make the door open because the lock was on. Then yet the button didn't bell, so I bumped hard the door. My wife Katie was with a vacuum sweeping the floor down, and didn't hear us. So I quick went the hind way round and got into the kitchen there. I smeared Jacob's foot all over with salve and he simmered down.

Katie ran in all ferhoodled. She looked at Jacob and said, "Ach, you look bad in the foot. You look wonderful sick. Don't you feel so good? Does it ouch you so in the foot?" She asked so many questions so fast I had to say, "Don't talk so quick-it runs together when I think." The swelling went down as we sat ourselves awhile. Katie kissed Jacob and he said, "Mom, you're wonderful nice." She start smooching me then too, but I was hungry instead, so I said, "Kissing wears out, cooking don't." "Well, why dotft you eat yourself out more often then?" she said. "I make the hay, you make the meals," I said. "I would rather single live than the wife the britches give." '"You ought yourself to shame," Katie said quick. 'Cows come and cows go, but the bull in this house keeps coming." She was right. I didn't want to grow too soon old and too late smart. I knew I'd better put myself other ways on. Katie learned me this, over and ever. Katie wears herself plain. But it makes me no difference. She's a good wife -she knows me yet she loves me.

We nixed our argument with a good smooch and hugged all over. I was manury from the fields yet, so upstairs I hurried and spritzed myself all over in the shower and clean became. Then I combed myself once because I was all strubbly. Katie finished redding up the house and started supper yet. Jacob came out of his room when I was finished with myself combing. Down the stairs together we came with. "What does it give for supper?" asked Jacob. 'I'm bad for pot pie," I said.

In the kitchen the Lebanon Bologna pot pie with heat was on the table boiling. Katie knew my hunger. "Throw your Pop down from da cupboard some glasses," Katie said to Jacob. I then poured us from the jug of birch beer three glasses. Jacob drank some and said while he was still drinking, so it came out all bubbly, "This glass sure drinks wonderful good." "Before you speak, drink your mouth empty," said Katie. "Now seat yourself down and set yourself for good eating. Supper's fixed." I dug in too quick with hunger.

The pot pie was hot and my tongue I burned. On my shirt I dropped some. "Tuck yourself under the chin this napkin," said Katie. I blowed the pot pie cool on my plate and wootzed it down. "Don't eat yourself full, Pop, there's shoo-fly pie back," said Jacob. "Well this pot pie eats so good, I must eat it all." After we had done and Jacob went to bed, Katie looked at me and winked. 'Well, the food is all but the best is yet." We outened the lights and went up the wooden hill to the bedroom. It was making down outside and probably would continue tomorrow down. "But who cares about the rain?" I thought as I climbed in the bed with Katie. "It looks for a pretty good night tonight."